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Heart check: What holds you back from your purpose?

It has been months that I carried this heavy load in my heart, even before I entered medical school. Months of having a seemingly rollercoaster ride when at times I am afire with the Lord then being drained to the point of feeling afar from His presence. Months of being beaten by my wounds all over again. Months of repetitive cycle of guilt and shame that despite the relentless prayers and confessions, it would always come back striking the inner core of my conscience. Months of being blinded by my own fears, own doubts, own thoughts and emotions rooted from a mistake I had “consciously” done. I enclosed the word consciously with quotation marks to denote an emphasis to it because perhaps the worst thing one could ever do in committing a mistake is by doing it with a sound mind.

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Romans 7:15

True enough, obeying God is easily said than done. As for a Christian like me, I am never an exception in the loop of temptations ---from little to grand. There were countless times I stumbled to it.

Now, the question does not reside on whether I am forgiven or not because the Cross declares “It is done.” The question is more of whether I accepted His forgiveness or not. The thin line that separates the latter is acceptance. Acceptance in such a way that I am convinced that God had truly forgiven me.

Such ghost from the past is the thing that makes it unnerving. It haunts me day and night even in between. Yes, it is the thing that hinders me, holds me back from moving forward. It is the thing that constantly steals my chance of relishing God’s mercy and forgiveness.

I am totally aware that the enemy’s playground is in the mind, that most of the spiritual battle takes place in there. Unfortunately, for quite a long time, I have allowed the enemy to play with me, to inject all the guilt and shame I have for myself because of my past mistakes. That I am never worthy of God’s blessings!

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” Hebrews 8:12

No more ---two words I seemingly denied to myself from then till now. I become unaware that I am making my past mistakes so big that what Jesus had done on the cross would not suffice. I become unaware that I am basing my identity on what I had done instead of what He had done for me two thousand years ago. I become unaware that by making myself stagnant from it, I am putting an insult to what He sacrificed for me, as if nailing Him on the cross over and over again. I become unaware that I am being oblivious of the truth that through Jesus’ blood, though my sins are like scarlet, they can be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they can be like wool. Isaiah 1:18

With a chance of tears in typing every word, I now acknowledge my lack of awareness and I believe that acknowledging it is the first step towards the right direction.

In repentance comes humility and in humility comes acceptance. No matter how twisted, how horrible, how undeserving I think I am, in the midst of it all, I am still God’s righteousness because He made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for my sin. 2 Corinthians 5:21

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is ---His good, pleasing, and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

The battle of faith starts in the mind. I have to realize that God is sovereign over my past! That He is more than capable of replacing negativity to purity. Too many times I strayed away from Him yet tantamount to that is His unwavering grace that extends beyond understanding.

When you cop out, He pursues. It is in those moments when all is lost that you can begin to grasp at something real ---Jesus is real! You are His purpose because You are His child. 

Forgive yourself with the forgiveness of God.

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