GRACE TUCKED IN LETTERS

In one of our Bible studies, a doctor showed to us a hundred-peso bill. She crumpled it, threw it, stepped into it, and even pressed it slowly, deeply. Afterwards, she picked it up, leveled it, and kept it.  She then concluded with this... The hundred-peso bill was a picture of “us.” Circumstances, people, and life in general will crumple us, throw us apart, step and press us till we break into shattering pieces but God, our Almighty Father whose love and mercy no one can fathom, will pick us up, make us whole, and keep us engraved in the palm of His hands. My hands moistened as tears began to puddle around the corner of my eyes. My heart pumped a little faster and my mind flashed a kaleidoscope of crushing moments I wishfully thought to escape from. Have you been it that situation where you passed by a mirror and you winced of the reflection staring back at you? All because what tossed back was a tired-exhausted-hurt-brainfogged-broken-rejected-worthless girl? ...

The only thing hardest when you were hurt is forgiveness. It has been a month from the time I broke up with my boyfriend when the news was unintentionally cracked to me by my friend that made the shards of my scattered fragments pressed even more deeply into my already broken heart. At that moment, I leaned on to my friend’s back and wept audibly. The whimsical of negative emotions surfaced again when I thought I was slowly moving past from it. It was a deep, soul-wrenching kind of hurt not easily healed. In a painful flashback, I remembered how he looked at me, how he held my hands, how he gave me his warmest embrace, how he whispered I love you, and how my world was laid in a bed of roses. But right there and then, all of that turned into a sham . I went home that morning and in my room, I fell trembling on my knees with my face down to the floor, desperately crying my heart to God as if washing His feet with my endless tears. “Lord, how could You ever allow that?” D...

I was so prepared to fail. Wallowing in the depths of my emotional gravity that kept on creeping unto my chest waiting to burst forth in endless tears, be it midday or midnight, last month was a slow choking in rollercoaster ride of mixed emotions. Denial. Anger. Bargain. Hurt. Loss. Fear. Doubt. Emptiness. Confronted with the painful reality of my relationship, I had to face head-on my battle in the academe even if my heart was covered with so much weakness. I could recall how in the midst of studying for my two remedial exams, my eyes would just cloud with tears all of a sudden. How I could not sleep. How I preferred to isolate in my room. How I got nauseated with food. See, physical manifestations of almost-depression knocked at my door leaving me 7 kg less from my previous weight in 3-week time. Awfully true indeed! With a vivid memory on the windowpane of the ship heading to Zamboanga from Dumaguete, I tearfully uttered my whisper to God as I took a glance in the ...

The story of Abraham and Isaac was interplay of faith and obedience. True enough, your level of faith determines your obedience to God. When God commanded Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac as a burnt offering, Abraham’s response was unbelievable and unimaginable. He just obeyed without asking questions or explanations. If I were in that situation, that would have shaken my core. But, how did Abraham able to respond that way? Faith—deepened and strengthened in the long years of walking and experiencing God’s faithfulness in his life. Abraham had a rich history of God. He knew in his heart that God is faithful to fulfill His promises. As a result, God provided the lamb for burnt offering and from Isaac, the covenant was fulfilled. Is there an Isaac in your life…a situation where God is asking for total obedience and dependence? Trust God—even in the hardest situation. 

This afternoon I opened my diary and poured my heart into it. Yes, it's actually one of my few ways of getting into stillness with God. Writing my thoughts and emotions while reflecting on His word. I was still captivated with Luke 8:48 "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace!" I felt the Holy Spirit was on the verge of conjuring something to me. I stared blankly at my diary, reiterating the verse in my mind. Finally, I whispered "Lord, what else do you want to reveal in this story?" Bleeding for twelve years... Came up behind and touched the edge of His cloak... Those words were like highlighted then my heart ached as tears began to cloud my eyes. In the story, the woman was subject to bleeding for twelve years. Perhaps, alongside of it, it also took her twelve years of living in shame, resentment, condemnation, unbelief, ingratitude, bitterness, unforgiveness. Worthlessness if i would describe it in one word. And all that, perhaps, became...

It is time to make your choice. You are standing between two kingdoms—one a thriving land of ease, pleasure, and comfort; the other a humble, hidden hole in the side of a mountain. One promises acceptance, distraction, and pleasure. The other promises persecution, difficulty…and true fulfillment. Can you hear that gentle voice calling your name? It is the voice of the one true King, saying: I have chosen you. I have called you by name. I ask you to come away from Saul’s camp and become numbered among My set-apart ones who dwell with Me in the cave. Bring nothing with you, leave everything behind, and do not look back. Cut off all allegiance to your former homeland, and come away with Me. It will not be an easy path. But unless you die with Me, you will never know what it means to truly live. Come away to the cave. Come away with your King. The King has called you by name. He has chosen you to be counted among His faithful ones, a set-apart woman after His own heart. ...

“Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.” Luke 8:48 That was Jesus’ response after a woman, who was bleeding for twelve years, touched the edge of His cloak amidst a great crowd. Now, I am back to the city I intentionally escaped from a week ago. I am back to face the uncertainty of my remedial exams and my relationship. Deep wound. Bleeding. Two words that can delineate brokenness. How do you suppose to heal a broken heart? More than that, how do you forgive? Healing and forgiveness are two different entities but both are woven together. One needs the other so as to move forward. That week-escape was a week of set-apart. A week of slowly processing things. A week of looking at the situation through different lens—faith and grace. Faith is to healing. Grace is to forgiveness. Healing demands time. Just like the bleeding woman, it took her twelve years of patiently enduring it. Her story is a faith-boost to me because it throws a question l...

"Very truly I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." John 12:24 It has been a week of looking at the mirror and what kept on tossing back was a reflection of my brokenness. From security to insecurity. From trust to betrayal. From hope to despair.  W hy did You allow it to happen, Lord? Was it because I trusted You a little less? Or I trusted the relationship a little more that dependence on You was gradually and unconsciously lost? Why did You bring such brokenness?  Those were honest questions I had thrown to God. Insecurity, betrayal, and despair—three words that escalated the pain continuously squeezing my heart so intense I could scarcely breathe every time I curled up in my bed at midnight. They were a painful revelation of the content of my heart. Unknowingly, the relationship became an identity to me. That he, without any blame, took away God's throne in my heart.  ...

So their midnight conversation ended with an exchange of "good night." And there my heart, broken into shattered pieces. In an instant. At the most untimely time.  I didn't know where on this world had I drawn the courage to endure reading as each message kept on popping up as they recalled their past when I could have just closed my laptop right away so as not to let the piercing pain get through.  But I silently endured it up to their very last words while my heart was ruthlessly ripped away leaving it to smithereens.  I could have just flare-up in anger because silence was not my nature. To keep my mouth shut was never my kind. But, right at that moment, that voice, though a whisper compared to my slam-bang clatter, was a crystal clear I ought not to resist.  I knew it was God who tamed my waiting-to-explode emotions. He compelled me to be silent. To pour such dark cloud of despair to Him, even up to the rising of sun.  So what happen...

"What good is the birthright to me?" Genesis 25:32 When things did not turn out the way I expected it to be. It has been one month of being patient at the community. Sunday I was back to the city and it seemed that something has changed; hence, the opacity. I continued my reading of the Bible and I bumped into that statement of Esau. All of a sudden, amidst my silent mawkishness in the middle of the night, the word discipline entered my mind. Discipline. A single word but speaks volumes. Verily the root of such behaviour. "What good is discipline to me?" If that is my discipline Lord, help me to endure it. Unlike Esau who for a single meal exchanged his birthright, help me to protect what is mine. That I will not exchange it for a single craving, yearning for that matter. Unlike Esau who despised his birthright, I don't want to despise mine just because it is not pleasant at the moment. Unlike Esau who later realized what he had lost,...

Walking kilometers into the woods under the parching heat, having to work and study from dusk to dawn, somewhere along the otskirts, quitting is a sweet allure.  But just when every step becomes senseless at all, something real rises above.  And you know, right through your heart,  you are just where your soul finds an abode.  While surveying in our community, I met this child whose name and charm happened to silence my clamoring mind. He is Joshua with a cleft lip surgically repaired. Just an adorable smile indeed!

“What if I will fail again?” When I failed in our second exam, the aforementioned statement lingered in my mind from time to time amidst preparing for our next exam. I honestly battled such “what if” with “what should” because I led to believe that passing the next exam was a must! Why? Such pressure I intentionally put up in myself was rooted to my Love Life. I felt there was a need to prove something. I felt I should pass because if and only if I will not make it, people will point their finger unto my relationship. Unfortunately, I failed yet again. When the result was posted and I had a glance to my ID number with a score far from the passing rate, I grabbed my sister’s hand and immediately left the halls of the school. I walked as fast as I could, yelling to her to be quick in moving. All that encircled my mind was to run away, to dissolve, and to cry in seclusion. I spent the whole night soaking in pain. I channeled into reading feel-good-verses but nothing ...