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In failing twice

“What if I will fail again?”

When I failed in our second exam, the aforementioned statement lingered in my mind from time to time amidst preparing for our next exam. I honestly battled such “what if” with “what should” because I led to believe that passing the next exam was a must! Why?

Such pressure I intentionally put up in myself was rooted to my Love Life. I felt there was a need to prove something. I felt I should pass because if and only if I will not make it, people will point their finger unto my relationship.

Unfortunately, I failed yet again.

When the result was posted and I had a glance to my ID number with a score far from the passing rate, I grabbed my sister’s hand and immediately left the halls of the school. I walked as fast as I could, yelling to her to be quick in moving. All that encircled my mind was to run away, to dissolve, and to cry in seclusion.

I spent the whole night soaking in pain. I channeled into reading feel-good-verses but nothing made sense. I was so down to the point of complaining as to where God was. The next morning, it felt the same. It was as if I was looking for someone who did not want to be found, just like in a hide-and-seek game.

Then something came up. It was relayed to me that somebody uttered the very words I hated to hear; hence, the self-built pressure. “Ano na nangyayari kay jc? Nag-aaral pa ba yan siya o baka date na lang ng date?”

Yes, that was unnerving. I could just flare-up in anger but I knew I had to come into terms with it, as silent as possible. 

Stripped with charm and wit, I chose to converse with my boyfriend in my desire for comfort, for uplifting words…an endearment for that matter. But what came across was beyond my comprehension.

He threw the question “What was your prayer? What did you ask?” I awkwardly whispered, “I don’t know.” He then asked me to complete the sentence, “Lord, please pass me in my exam so that…” Right at that moment, tears clouded my eyes because I knew I prayed with a wrong motive. I asked for wrong reason.

“You trusted your own ability. You pressured yourself too much that you forgot you have a God. You know what, we are but filthy rags before God. You cannot hide anything from Him because He is bare. Re-examine yourself and know the root of your behavior.”

That was a hard slap to my face!

I bolded the word “rooted” because I thought it was just patterned to that. I thought! It was so easy to pinpoint on things or even people that I became oblivious of checking the content of my heart---a heart full of pride! A heart seeking for approval! A heart trying to please people!

If I may quote a significant story in the Bible, it would be the story of David when he committed the sin of adultery with Bathsheeba. He tried to conceal his mistake but God rebuked him through Nathan.

In one way or another, there will be that Nathan in our lives who comes at the most unexpected time to reveal whatever we had done in secret. As for me, it was he. That was not the first time he confronted me with my attitude. In fact, he already pinpointed that I am dominant, prideful, stubborn, and has the tendency to compromise and make haphazard decisions. Harsh but true! A reality I need to face.

Like David, I messed up. It was a shame. I even felt nauseated with my attitude because I failed not just in the eyes of people. More importantly, I failed in the eyes of God. But like David, I wanted to desire the same. I happened to find this verse amidst prepping up for the exam and now, it made a real sense to me.

“One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life; to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.” Psalm 27:4

David slew giant, conquered nations, and ruled as a king. However, in reading each word between the lines, his quest was not for his glory but to dwindle the gap between God’s heart and his.

His desire was not of gain but of loss. He did not dream of something grand. He just asked for one seemingly minute thing. And undoubtedly, in choosing to lose himself in the presence of God, he gained a name engraved from generation to generation.

Now, what if the secret to big things comes in obedience to small things?

In few days, I will be leaving for yet another month-long community immersion as part of our curriculum. If there’s something I need to carry, it will be this one hard question:

Just as David being a man after God’s heart,

“Who am I in the eyes of God?”


Photo taken at Cathedral, Zamboanga City
A portray of crown with thorns for Holy Week 

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