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A blessing unfolded in brokenness

I was so prepared to fail.

Wallowing in the depths of my emotional gravity that kept on creeping unto my chest waiting to burst forth in endless tears, be it midday or midnight, last month was a slow choking in rollercoaster ride of mixed emotions.

Denial. Anger. Bargain. Hurt. Loss. Fear. Doubt. Emptiness.

Confronted with the painful reality of my relationship, I had to face head-on my battle in the academe even if my heart was covered with so much weakness. I could recall how in the midst of studying for my two remedial exams, my eyes would just cloud with tears all of a sudden. How I could not sleep. How I preferred to isolate in my room. How I got nauseated with food. See, physical manifestations of almost-depression knocked at my door leaving me 7 kg less from my previous weight in 3-week time. Awfully true indeed!

With a vivid memory on the windowpane of the ship heading to Zamboanga from Dumaguete, I tearfully uttered my whisper to God as I took a glance in the vast dark horizon at that night. “Lord, have mercy on me. Not as I will but as You will. No matter what will happen, I’ll fix my eyes on You.”

An earnest prayer rooted not on the grounds of hopefulness but on helplessness, I must admit. I honestly knew that my preparation for my two remedial exams was a far cry from what should be. Yes, at that time, I accepted wholeheartedly the possibility of losing my dream in a snap of a finger.

Where was my faith then?

Though as small as a mustard seed, my faith was on the manner of looking back and looking forward. Looking back on how He enabled me to overcome rough and tough times in my life and looking forward on His eternity promise for me. Whatever may happen in between, I will keep moving. 

I took the first exam and each question was as if I did not know anything. It was way harder than the original exam. Three days after, the second exam. Some questions were repeated but nothing in my answer was bound in absolute certainty. Then came the day I needed to brave God’s calling of letting go of a relationship that once I believed was forever.

“Lord, please affirm NOW that I heard You right,” in the silence of my room I dared to shout those honest, demanding words from the inner recesses of my soul. I needed God to answer me right away because the pain was ruthlessly squeezing my every nerve, as if pulling and twisting it in violent motion.

Indeed, I served a living and personal God. My accountability partner texted me about the devotion for that day which both of us were following online. With hands shaking and tears incessantly falling, I opened it. Right there and then, my mind was blown away.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

With that verse, God silenced my clamor. Not only that, as I opened my Bible to highlight it, I found out that it was on the same chapter of the verse God gave to me when I had my first failed exam.

One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4

No description could ever tantamount to how God became so personal to me at that moment. That what surmounted over my emotional turmoil was the word SURRENDER.

The next day results came and I passed on the first exam but failed in the second exam so I needed to take the second and last chance of remedial for that. After the granted two-week preparation, it was the first exam insofar that I took with peace that transcended all understanding. Thank God!

Few days after, the much-awaited National Christian Medical Conference called Heartbeat For Christ held at Dumaguete. While everyone was beaming with excitement, I was behind a mask trying to absorb the real struggle in me. Enveloped with fear and woe, I honestly took one heavy step forward after another when I entered the halls of the conference room during the first day of Heartbeat. I carried with me the burden of uncertainty whether I will make it to the next level or not, alongside a broken heart from such failed relationship with the person who was actually my co-delegate in that conference.

Day after day, God slowly unfolded His revelations that stretched me more than I wanted to be stretched. Atop of His revelations, it’s that He broke me to bless me. The entire duration of Heartbeat and Advanced Leadership Training was God’s blessing wrapped in the most unpredictable way. Not only did it catapult my spiritual walk with Jesus, more so it brought PERSONAL HEALING to me which I have been thirsty of for almost half a decade. Through small group discussions, God targeted an area of my life that I have always been unwilling to submit to Him. That’s the shame, guilt, pain, and brokenness brought about by my past and present. Through devotional lectures, I came to embrace that there is glory in weakness. That God chooses the weak, the frail, the ugly, and the scared to bring glory to His name.

"Very truly I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." John 12:24

For a grain of wheat to multiply, it has to die. For Jesus to multiply in the lives of many, He had to die. Therefore, if I desire to multiply lives pointing to Jesus, I also must die to myself and live according to His will.

God brought that to me into crystal clarity. The unforeseen benefit of my own brokenness was it led to a resurgence of the life of Christ in me.

Now, as I embark on the next level as a medical student (yes I graciously passed the second remedial), by God’s abounding grace, I will live out His calling to go and make disciples.

Dear God, thank you for breaking me. In humility, I will wait in perseverance. I just want You, Jesus for Your presence is the only heaven to me. To You be the glory. Amen. 




Pursuit of success is not a relentless quest for fame or glory 
but for a small gap between God's heart and yours. 

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