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Bind my wandering heart to Thee

I came across this classic Christian hymn by Robert Robinson and reading the word in between the lines, I found solace because it was close to what my heart could not speak. The exact thing that kept me awake at midnight, silently weeping over my pillow with no other words except my weak, broken whisper—Father.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

"Prone to wander. Prone to leave the God I love."

This is such a heartbreaking reality that i, myself, struggle so hard. My heart has the easiest tendency to get enticed and be attached to a lot of things especially with people. Such attachment that I hate and I wish to escape from, but unfortunately, its grip seems to paralyze that i find my way back to its repeated cycle...the fleeting comfort, the deceiving pleasure.

One night, out of bouts of repeated despair brought about by such nagging cycle, I lit a cigar and toasted a beer alone in one store while asking God, "am i really too numb? Am i really too distant? Am i really powerless?"

Because in all honesty, I feel I am hence the regression to old maladaptive habits. Tired. Exhausted. Hurt. Messed. Brain-fogged. Broken. Rejected. Worthless. All of these lies seem to get real again, tripping me up and entangling me in its grip.

Times like this, the next easy step is to give up fighting. To just throw the towel and give Satan the upper hand. Sometimes, I would wonder if I am just drawn by the Spirit but not held by the Spirit.

It is unnerving.

So, where does God stand? On a rare moment while being the second assist in a Total Thyroidectomy procedure, when my stomach ached empty with food and my back problem took its toll from 4-hours standing, i heard a still small voice saying "I did not give up because of you." Tears rolled in the corner of my eyes. I knew it was not my mind conjuring up the idea at that moment but it was God intentionally moving and warming my seemingly tired and cold heart to His ever-present unconditional love. That nothing, not my current circumstance, will ever change the Gospel of Christ, that He took it all and nailed it to the Cross. That He foresaw my sins, my flaws, my iniquities, my insecurities, my hurts, my doubts, my fears, my brokenness, my faithlessness, and my disobedience yet declaring I am worth-enduring more so worth-dying for.

Even when I have given up with myself, God has not given up on me. Like the prodigal's loving father, God is more than willing to run towards His lost daughter, to celebrate her return, and to call her back to obedience and joy.

Writing this does not mean I am in the position that I can say I have fully recovered. I am still in the process of taking my mat and going back to my truest Home. I may or may not skip consequences due to my reckless actions but in whatever that may come along, I do remind myself that "Jc, despite of and regardless, God takes pleasure on you returning back to Him!”

Oh Jesus! Bind my wandering heart to Thee.


If it happens that you can relate with this, let me know.
I will pray for you. Please pray for me too.

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