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Where God is amidst failures

They say that failures do not define a person. While it holds true, which I believe myself, however when face with one failure after the other, when everything just turns upside down, its sting of pain permeates to your core and leaves you nothing but feeling of inadequacy.

As I look back from the past three years of my journey in the medical school, I have to face the gut-honest realization that in one way or another failures made me feel inadequate and incapable, which frequently and unintentionally displayed even in an ordinary “PBL” class wherein I talked with low pitch shaky voice, and somewhat pushed me to settle being at the bottom, the least, and the last.

How does one prepare for the unknown?

Countless times I wished I had a glimpse of what was coming, that God would just allow a huge turn in my academic life. Growing up, it was seemingly glorious from a worldly perspective. I had number of successes that failure was almost not in the picture.

Then I hit the medical school. Only one semester was spared from taking remedial exams. The rest jumbled in one or two remedial exams and down on the last semester prior clerkship, I had taken the exams for all subjects twice, which led to a delay of two weeks from hospital duties. Not only that, even for the post-clerkship exam, while everyone was posting their “hoorays,” I was still at the waiting list wondering if I could still move on to the next level.

Having all of those experiences, I must admit that it quite affected my identity. Inasmuch as I wanted to spit out the idea of being not good enough, it came into my terms that doubt seemed to be a constant company. Indeed, cliché as it may sound, the struggle was real.

...Selah...

Where does God stand amidst failures?

Now, this portion clouds my eyes with tears. Let me just say this right away, thank you Jesus! I could remember a classmate randomly told me “Jc, I am actually amazed that you did not get depressed because if that happened to me, I could hardly imagine.” Oh! God knows my own share of silent depression. He knows each drop of tear for nights I wished that God would just take the cup from me.

Failures revealed so much of my heart. What were long been hidden: pride, arrogance, entitlement, and fame to name some. What I could easily lean on to. What I hardly surrendered. What I thought would not be shaken. And what was unshakable.

Amidst my failures, I had the truest sense of what the Bible says “Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed for the battle is not yours but God’s.” (2 Chronicles 20:15) Quitting came across my mind countless times. For somebody like me who repeatedly at the bottom, the least and the last, quitting seems to be the easiest way. I was closed to let go of such dream, such calling that had long been planted in my heart. But God, in His great and unsearchable plan I cannot fully known, brought me through one failure after the other. I literally just stood firm and gazed on the deliverance He gave to me. Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretched like me!

Every so often, I would hear people telling me how strong I was but what I had come to realize was that failure is not about becoming a stronger person but about trusting a stronger God. When I go to Him weak, I come away strengthened. When I go doubting, I come away believing. When I go mourning, I come away rejoicing. God has His own way of unbending my bent knees. 

...Selah...

Jesus said, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” (John 9:3) Thank you Jesus for making me understand it from such hard, almost impossible ground. That truly Your most extraordinary work is built on the ground of failure.

And here I am writing this at the outskirts for our 10 months community engagement. I am now a 4th year medical student and soon to graduate by God’s grace and be a physician all for His greater glory alone. 







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