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When it is between you and God

I moved to my chair as the exam was about to start when all of a sudden, my heart pumped as hard as it could. Yes, it was a no-surprise attack ever since I was diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse. In as much as I did not want to panic, my heart pumped as if it was in a fourth gear. My chest started to get tight and heavy. My skin became cold and clammy. Despite the air-conditioned room, I perspired profusely. My classmates turned to me, asking if what was wrong but I was already devoid of words. All I could think about was to leave the room and so I did. While the exam pursued, I was outside the room, sitting upright on a vacant chair enduring its pain while conserving my energy because the only thought that crossed my mind was to take the exam no matter what. Failure to take it will mean an automatic remedial.

With every beat, I whispered my prayer “Lord, calm my heart. Not now.” Deep within the recesses of my being, I knew that when it prolongs, it might cause my heart to stop from beating. Every second passed tantamount to an increase in my anxiety and little did I expect, tears begun to cover my eyes…

It has been one topsy-turvy week prior to that exam. A week when I found the courage to cut a string that has been unknowingly attached. A week when I decided that I have wondered enough on what could have been, that tears had fallen enough for such confusion I never wanted to be in. A week when I have relished the peace and freedom of obedience and absolute surrender only to end up with yet another confusion all because a door, which I chose to close, was unexpectedly re-opened for the very reason I was left unguarded with a chance of tears time and again. Words painfully spoken. Questions carefully thrown. And I, I had to curl up in my bed once more, to be swallowed up by my own scars, to sulk, to unload my tired heart.

If there is anything I learned in that week, it is that sometimes even if it seems like a sham for other people, when God compels you to do it, something real can still rise above because it is between you and God.

1. Choose to obey. Obedience, for that matter, is an all or nothing proposal. I cannot obey in one thing yet disobey in another thing. Even in the littlest of thing, God desires to be the Lord of it. Verily, following Him will cost me something but not following Him will cost me more than something. After all, it is His grace that enabled me to do His calling.

2. Trust in God’s plan. Trust will not just magically happen. As for me, it is a daily thing. For that week, I had to utter my doubts, my fears, and even my fierce. That was my way of channeling and that was His way of bringing a supernatural rest to my soul, allowing me to experience His freedom.

3. God is the author of peace. Yes, He brings peace and not confusion. I spent nights wrestling with God in prayer. That wrestle brought me a sense of peace, a sense of sweetness in our relationship like never before. He revealed to me that sometimes, it is alright to wrestle with Him because it opens a door for change, a change of heart. I have come to that stage of blessing --- a stage where I know God has revealed Himself to me, a stage where I can walk forward in confidence that He is in control.

4. God knows I cannot be perfect. “What if I am wrong? What if I miss God?” I came to that point of questioning. But what God revealed to me was “If you miss me, I’ll find you.” He knows I cannot be perfect but I can press toward the mark of perfection because of Jesus. No matter how many times I make mistake, be it in hidden or not, He sees me through because He is not just my God, He is my Father. As a Father, He is more than willing to love me when I feel a little less loved. He is just asking me to call upon Him, trusting Him to take the lead. No ifs. No buts. Despite of. Regardless.

5. Safeguard what you have with God. Just like in earthly relationships, to safeguard means to be prepared to stand firm, to fight, to protect, to trust, to obey, and to endure. More than that, it is to put Him first. That week was a testing at the same time surrendering. Testing like putting me in a boiling water to see if what I claim I do I will. Surrendering by realizing that if it is beyond my capability, that’s when it becomes so easy to embrace absolute surrender.

Amidst failure, my real security is in You alone my God, my Father.



P.S. In case you’ll happen to read this, I genuinely thank you for revealing this content. And I forgive you.



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