Past repeated: Post NLE result

This is a story of stolen happiness yet uncovered grace. Thanks ahead for patiently reading a quite lengthy note.

June 27, 2014 – at around 6:15 in the evening, I received a flood of text messages confirming that Silliman University landed top 1 in the top performing schools of May 2014 Nurse Licensure Examination. Right there and then, I fell on my knees. The sob seemingly exploded from within while I grasped my phone. My whole body was trembling. My heart was filled with overwhelming joy I could not contain. It was surreal. I was jumping and shouting. All I thought of was “This is You, Jesus! This is Yours, Lord! You’ve proven Yourself to all of us!” Then my sister showed me my name in the internet. I was devoid of words when I took a glance of this: 5053 GONZALES, CHRISTINE JOY YBIOSA. I just continued crying while grinning cheerfully. Few minutes later, I decided to go to a church and prayed. There I knelt down and wept tremendously. “Thank you Lord” was all I whispered in my mind and from the deepest of my soul. I didn’t deserve anything, I knew. In reality, I doubted Him too many times. Amidst review classes, I kept on telling my friends that I really believe for a 100% passing rate. Though we seemed not capable of doing it but we have a God who is more than able. That His Faithfulness in us is what matters and in truth the only weapon that we have in overcoming the board exam. However, fear actually situated in my heart, along with that repeated declaration. Yes, I had my own share of fears and doubts. As a matter of fact, there was one night that I broke down in tears because fear almost consumed me. Thank God He revived me through this truth: “Claim your victory not out of arrogance but out of a sure faith that is founded in Christ Jesus.” (thanks to ate Rianne for reminding me this during that night)

When we came home, I was surprised by my three beloved friends (tj, dann, and shein) who stood at the gate of our house. They were shouting, teasing, laughing at me, and gave me a huge hug. The whole time I felt I was floating. I gazed up the night sky and I breathed in and out and mumbled, “A perfect night with the stars shining bright. A perfect bliss. A perfect God.” We went inside the house and did our usual chit-chat. Afterwards, we dealt with a conclusion of buying pizza to celebrate. I told my sister to text our cousins to go to the house. Upon heading back home at around 8:30, this terrible thing unfolded yet again…

Around 10 to 15 meters away from the intersection road, I cued for the turning signal. I slowed down, making sure of a clear far distance from the approaching vehicles on the other lane. When I turned the steering wheel to the left, in a split second I heard a loud “bang.” A motorcycle hit the left edge of the car, throwing the driver and his motorcycle at a distance of 30 meters away from the actual incident where the collision happened (as per police’s estimation). I immediately parked the car and the five of us went out. The moment I took the first step out of the car, literally and seriously speaking, darkness was right before my very eyes. The bystanders were like shadows looking, rushing, and talking. My whole body trembled as if frosting in coldest temperature. All I heard was a voice repeatedly saying to me, “either dead or unconscious… dead or unconscious.” I was like in a desolated place where I stood alone while people starred with a long fixed cold gaze. I could barely walk straight to the site to check for the driver. Each step equalized a long pause in the entirety of the earth’s spin in the outer space. I’ve seen two motorcycles turned down and damaged. The first was of the driver’s while the second was of the household’s near the incident. In my mind I was shouting “Lord, di ko to kaya please.” When I finally reached there, I found the driver consciously sitting at the road, grimacing because of pain. He incurred abrasions on his right arm and left foot. I immediately rushed back to the car in attempting to bring the driver to the hospital. But, the people out there told me to settle down and that an ambulance was being called and the policemen were coming over to have a detailed assessment of the incident. Soon afterward, I began sobbing and weeping intensely. Neither my sister nor my friends could stop me at that time. I closed my eyes and all I could see was a flashback of the past.

For those who haven’t known my story yet, five years ago, to be exact July 9, 2009, I was actually at the same situation of the driver. I met a terrible vehicular accident that almost caused my life to be taken. All I could remember was I cranked the engine of the motorcycle and I opened my eyes and found myself in the ICU. The details of the accident were lost in my memory and somehow I was thankful for that. Accordingly, right after I fell off the road, I was unconscious. I was brought to the hospital and the bad news was revealed. I was 50-50. My head was severely injured and an internal hemorrhage was figured out through CT scan. Because of this, I had to undergo an emergency surgery which is Craniectomy wherein the right portion of my skull has to be removed. To cut the story short, I survived the surgery.

However, the aftermath I had to face after surviving the tragic accident, the reality of its side effects was really unnerving. Yes, I was wounded physically but more so of the fact that I was wounded emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I had to stop from school and that meant being left behind. I had to endure the blank stare of the people around me because of my physical appearance: the bald-unproportional-head-with-C-shaped-scar-bony-dark girl. I had to be depedent because I was too weak to do anything. I had to go through the loneliness of being alone in the house. Above all, I had to go through this painful assessment of some people about me– karma. Apart from that, I had to overcome the bereavement because of the untimely death of my brother 7 months prior to my accident. Lastly, not to mention that of the diagnoses I received last year: Mitral Valve Prolapse which caused me frequent chest pains and palpitations of around 300 to 400 beats per minute and Bilateral Fibroadenoma (benign tumors) in my breasts. Yet somehow, I was able to get by.

“Why Lord? Why?” – Tj wrapped me around his arms. Nica, shein, dann and the people around me repeated to me that it was not my fault. That they have seen what happened and I should not blame myself. Never! Unfortunately, their words could not consume me. The only thought baffled my mind at that time was those three words bolded. In desperation, I actually asked the same question five years ago. It unleashed the unknown anger I never knew existed before. What had started out as happy and fun night became a complicated entanglement of frustration and disappointment, only to end up abruptly with myself painfully wounded in the inside yet again. I felt my testimony was taken away from me and that the devil’s timing worked again in me. The pain was so intense that it ruthlessly squeezed my heart and eventually torn it apart. Truthfully, I’ve let go of my hold to Him at that moment, in an instant.

The policemen came over and I was brought to the police station. My body was in a state of numbness. I could not speak. Few minutes after, I was released and went home. My sister, relatives, and friends were the ones who settled the dispute between the two parties.

Inside my room, I stared blankly. My cousin Irish was with me. She asked me “ano iniisip mo ate?” I broke the deafening silence in my room and I started shedding seemingly endless tears in front of her. I told her that the scars of the past were like bleeding again. I was supposed to reach the finish line yet I stumbled again. Or have I reached it but I unfortunately fell off. It should have been my testimony that I’ve not gotten the wrong way as far as I believe. Ironically, it was stolen from me! I told her that I do not really believe that trials are from God. For me, it’s the devil’s work of making people question the presence of God. Intentionally or not, I did question Him. The devil should have been laughing at me because I was shaken time and again.

Out of nowhere, she responded “don’t you think te nung nakita mo yung driver na buhay at nasugatan lang kahit tumilapon siya ng ganun kalayo nasave ka pa rin ni God?” Boom! My mind was blown away by this 16 year old girl. That’s exactly what I need to hear. That’s exactly what I should be reminded of. Even the most difficult circumstance, God can actually use it for His greater glory. Yes, I was not able to comprehend and understand the whole situation but that did not mean He was not in control. I was so quick in giving in to the doubts and questions being thrown by the devil but just before I doubted and questioned Him, He was actually working through. On the other hand, He was so immediate in answering my question and that’s through my cousin’s simple words. I really cried to this realization. God actually demonstrated a miracle out there! All glory to Him!

The night ended with a peaceful resolution of all the disputes between the two parties. My aunties told me that I should not worry because there’s no need of money to be given away for the damages incurred because it has been proven that the 19 year old driver was really on high speed and had taken the wrong direction during the incident and mostly for the fact that he just incurred minor injuries despite the impact of the collision. Papang called up and told me that I should not worry too about the car because it’s insured. My heart was as if untangled from becoming twisted.

As of the moment, I must admit that I was left with a trauma. I rested from driving for a while. However, the trauma was not really of the driving per se but more so of the realistic notion of “messing up and stumbling down again.” I will be fooling around if I say I am ok but soon I know I will through His amazing grace. The courage that made conquered my past will be the same courage that will get me through this. I may not be as happy because of the awful circumstance continuously haunting me but my heart will not be hindered from bringing all the glory, praises, and thanks to Him. He alone deserves it!

To my FAMILY, RELATIVES, AND FRIENDS, I could not really put into words how grateful and thankful I am for putting up with me through the years. Soon, I vow to return to you the act of love and kindness you‘ve shown me which is beyond what I deserve. You’ve taken a big part in the total sum of my triumphs and trials. I will unceasingly pray to God to pour out favors upon favors and blessings upon blessings to all of you.

To my BATCHMATES who really did an awesome job, CONGRATULATIONS! I’m a proud friend here. Now, we will embark on a new and perhaps separate journey towards making ourselves even better individuals. But so long we have the advantage of these networking sites and our cellphones, we are never too far from each other. Thank you for such wonderful friendship. The rough and tough, the nerve-wracking exams and paperworks, the sleeping at the most ungodly of hours, the laughter, the tears, the hang-outs, every single moment I have with you from little to grand, they will forever be indelible in my heart. If there’s one thing I will leave to you, it’s this: “Sometimes, being extraordinary does not necessarily mean being the most successful of all. It is simply being an ordinary person whose heart does not reside on craving of having a luxurious life as white-collared career man or woman with a box stuck with figures but a heart that desires to help out random people.” Count on me in prayers nurses! God bless us as we venture out this life’s awestruck wonders.

Finally, this may not be as strong and relevant testimony. I wrote this with all the feebleness found in me. But I am fixing my eyes to Jesus who is the author and perfecter of faith (Hebrews 12:2). It may not be easily understood what He compels me to do, but I’ll do it anyway. How could I not? He already proven Himself not just in the recent accident or the NLE or that thing five years ago or my whole life in general but when He had taken my place, our place at the cross. The greatest love of all!

“May my life become a song

Depicting His greatness over all

Let this wimpy be heard

Inspiring others through His word”

Lamentations 3: 19-23

I remember my affliction and my wandering,

    the bitterness and the gall.

 I well remember them,

    and my soul is downcast within me.

 Yet this I call to mind

    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.